A look into the disparity of men and women in the Church

For those who are of marriageable age in the church today, it wouldn’t take too long to notice especially for the females , how low the ratio of men to women is. This poses a challenge for many young women who desire to be married to a Christian but are left with little and limited options. According to a survey taken by the ‘single friendly church’ ,the church has failed to keep up with the shift concerning the rise of single adults between the ages of 25-39 in Britain. Within this age group in society, 13% of married couples attend a church and only 5% of single adults attend church. This generally makes the church look like a place filled with couples with little to no prospects for those who desire marriage.

This trend and the failure of the church to seek for solutions or cater adequately for the needs of singles have led many to leave the church, settle for partners who do not really share their faith or resign themselves to a life of unwanted singleness. How do we trace where this problem started from? How do women most especially in the church handle this? How can the church attract more men into the church and disciple them? The answers to this is varied and vast and there are many articles that give one solution or the other.

However, this article isn’t really to proffer solutions to bringing more men into the church or to dwell so much on the negatives. This article is written to give some form of encouragement to those who struggle deeply with this issue in their lives, most especially for females who seem to be at the unfavourable end of all this. 

HOW TO COPE WITH UNWANTED SINGLENESS IN LIGHT OF THIS DISPARITY.

1. Do not pay heed to those in the church who knowingly or unknowingly trivialise the pain of unwanted singleness: There is a silent shaming culture heaped on singles who express dissatisfaction with their current state. Words like ‘’ Just be content’’, ‘’Singleness is a gift’’, and all other statements you can think of really do nothing much to soothe the deep struggles many have with singleness in their lives. Depending on your interpretation of what Paul meant by singleness being a gift, that statement can cut like a knife and make you wonder. Your pain and questions are no different from a couple who feel the pain of not having children for expl. Know that God sees your pain which brings me to my next point.
2.  God does see your pain: God knows and is not surprised at what is going on, as cliché as it sounds he is working everything out for our growth, endurance and perspective about life and faith. God is also in the business of performing miracles, people do get married everyday despite this disparity issue. Who says it won’t happen to you?
3. Find a coping mechanism: We all go through ups and downs in life, and to have a stable mental health is to have the ability to develop healthy coping mechanisms to cushion the pain situations bring. Figure out other things that make life beautiful. Surround yourself with friends and family who truly love you. Pick up a hobby. Listen to worship music. Join a group. Travel or invest in your career etc. Think of what could make you feel fulfilled outside having a husband/wife with children.
4. Develop a thick skin: Fact is people , even those in the church may occasionally say things to hurt you, question you on your singleness or make you feel less. Statements like “Your are so pretty, why don’t you have a man yet?” , “ Are you being too picky?” “Go and marry!! “ or other insensitive words people like to throw at singles. You have to brace yourself and make up your mind that you will stand strong despite these comments.
5. Develop a healthy perspective: Nothing in life is permanent and everything is truly not as it seems. There are many who are unhappily married, some end in divorce, some are happily married but have no children, some have sick or dying spouses, some are happily married, have kids, are financially buoyant and may seem to have it all. There are people who are single and are happy. But no one truly is without problems. As hard as it is, our ultimate prayer should be to have happiness and joy despite what we have or don’t have. This is important because nothing in life is guaranteed. 
6. Trust in the lord and don’t lose hope: Think of all those in the bible who had to wait. Think of Sarah, Elizabeth, Jacob, even David. God did eventually come through for them. But they often went through dry seasons. Be open minded. God can do anything. I know it’s very hard, but with seasons of despair also comes seasons of refreshing. 
7. Stop reading negative reports about singleness on the internet: So many articles on the internet can inflate and highlight this disparity issue. It can put fear in your heart. Desist from feeding your mind with negative reports. Don’t surround yourself with brothers or sisters who are in the habit of complaining all the time about this issue and never have any hope or good thing to say. Read inspiring stories , stories that increase your hope. 

Finally, if you feel ready, there is no harm in doing what you can to find a mate. Women have been fed a narrative that they have to sit and wait for a man to come and pluck them from the church pews. Put yourself out there, prayerfully and responsibly. If it doesn’t work its ok to step back and recuperate. And for anyone reading this who has lost all hope in God or feels heavily weighed down, I pray you find peace, joy and contentment again. God has not forgotten you.