What’s wrong with our approach to pre-martial relationships today.
It’s important to begin with the understanding that the words ‘dating’ and ‘courtship’ do not exist in the bible. There aren’t any accounts of people dating or courting in the bible; in ancient jewish culture it was typical for families to arrange marriages on behalf of their children. There are also no specific teachings in the bible which describe how pre-marital relationships are supposed to work. This poses various challenges.
Firstly, this means that as Christians we don’t have a common understanding or language for pre-marital relationships. Even where we do have common language, we have very different interpretations of what these terms mean. For example, ask 10 mature believers what ‘courtship’ is and you are guaranteed to get a variety of responses even though they would all agree that they firmly believe in the importance of courtship.
Secondly, the variety of labels we use to describe the stages of pre-marital relationships (such as talking stages, courtship and engagement) can create subconscious biases and misplaced expectations. For example, someone may think that because they aren’t at the courting stage, they aren’t yet obliged to be honest, transparent and integrous in their interactions with the opposite sex.
TRANSCENDENCE framework
Considering these challenges inspired us to create a framework that Christians can use as a basis for understanding their obligations to pre-marital relationships in a way that is structured, non-cultural and bible honouring. The TRANSCENDENCE model for pre marital relations does not seek to replace cultural labels or constructs of pre-marital relationship such as courtship but it does give us a framework which we can dynamically tailor to any kind of pre-marital label, relationship or circumstance.
The TRANSCENDENCE framework works by categorising your pre-martial responsibilities in to things you ‘MUST’, ‘SHOULD’ and ‘CAN’ do. This should allow you to have a clear and structured understanding of your obligations to others and to yourself prior to getting married.
The framework is intended to help you prepare for marriage and help you maximise your chances of maximise your chances of your married life being peaceful, joyous, harmonious and God honouring. That being said, failing to meet one or more of the pre-marital obligations defined by the TRANSCENDENCE framework doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage will end in ruin. Though preparation is key, success in marriage is ultimately dependent on you and your spouse making conscious choices on a daily basis which promote the wellbeing in your marriage. There is no approach to pre-marital relationships that will guarantee a successful and enduring marriage. Honouring God and his word in the way we approach marriage brings with it the confidence of a fruitful marriage but not the guarantee.
| You Must (non-negotiable morale obligations) | Scripture Reference |
|---|---|
| Reject worldly relationship philosophy which contradict God’s commands | [Romans 12:2] |
| Maintain sexual purity | [1 Thess 4:3] [1 Cor 7:9] |
| Be selfless | [Mark 12:31] |
| Be integrous and honest | [Proverbs 19:1, Proverbs 12:22, Colossians 3:9, Matthew 5:37] |
| Marry a Christian* | [2 Corinthians 6:14] |
| Actively seek God’s will | [Matthew 6:33, Romans 8:14, Mathew 4:4] |
| Pursue financial stability | [1 Timothy 5:8] |
| You should (optional, strongly recommended obligations) | Description |
|---|---|
| Seek accountability | |
| Identify and establish compatibility and suitability for marriage | |
| You can (optional obgliations) | Description |
|---|---|
| Find someone who shares a common calling for their life | [Amos 3:3] |
| Find a partner who is physically attractive | [Proverbs 31:30] |
| Terminate the relationship | [Romans 7:2] |
Obedience Founder
